As a mother, I will never give up on my child. As a mother of a child who has autism, I will never give up hope.
I look into his eyes and I see all the potential that he has to offer to this beautiful world and I just know that one day the world can see what I see.

Follow my blog as I share my life and my experiences as a person who loves someone with autism.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It’s not always rainbows

I cannot even begin to explain how much it emotionally destroys me as a person, as a mother, to not be able to fully communicate and understand my very own son. It makes my heart hurt.

I cried for an hour today. I mean, I’ve cried before, who hasn’t, right? But this was a new type of cry for me, where it starts out feeling that all is lost, and ends by lifting your head up high enough, wiping your tears, and telling yourself to not give up. You could say that it was a good cry.

Now let me start off by saying that being Bryce’s parent, well, it’s not always rainbows. Don’t get me wrong, he is my little angel with a broken halo, but he has his not so angelic moments. As a result, there are the not so common times where I am just so fed up that I just break down. It’s being beyond, way-way beyond, frustrated and that quickly turns into anger, which ends up becoming sadness, and then the tears come, and you just feel so alone, so very alone. Ok, a little dramatic, I know, but you get what I mean, right?

I’m not going to go into the details, cause it’s irrelevant, but today Bryce was very vocally upset and frustrated, and I just couldn’t help him. I couldn’t do what mom’s are supposed to be able to do. I couldn’t make it better.

I started to get upset and frustrated that he couldn’t tell me what was wrong.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why are you screaming?”

“Use your words.”

“Stop screaming!”

“Stop repeating me and use your own words!”

“Tell me what’s wrong!”

All I wanted was an answer. I just wanted him to stop his continuous and constant parroting autism behaviour for just one minute and just say, ‘Mom, this is what’s wrong, and this is how you can fix it.’

1 comment:

  1. From one Autism Mom to another {{{HUGS}}} I can totally relate. Just keep doing what you are doing and take a look back. Where were you a year ago? Six months? There has been change, there are improvements. You are not alone. You have a support system where you can cry, and vent and whatever else you need to do. Some days, we just need to have that good cry. It's out of those times we get our resolve, our courage to carry on. If you need to chat...you know where to get in touch with me. {{{HUGS}}} to all of you.

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